It seemed like two years passed in a dream and somehow, your words to me swelled a hundredfold and now I can sleep to the sound of your voice. My life shatters and all I can think is I wish I could call you. I wish I could call, and hear you say hello. I think if I heard your voice, the dam holding the tears back in the corner of my heart would break, because you are the key and my home is you.
I wish I could call, but I can’t. I wish I could text you, but I can’t. I feel you drawing away from me, and I want to believe it’s my own insecurity making your business seem like apathy, but I can’t. Did I go too far? Did I wander over the line too much? Did baring my heart cast you away from me? I love you too much to ask, for fear of making you say “Yes”. I am not brave enough to hear the answer.
Better to stay in this Schrodinger’s relationship for a while longer, until my heart withers away in its quiet brokenness and it no longer exults in your presence. It may be a while, but please don’t leave me alone, I ask of you selfishly. Better to bask in your rare attention than to hurt endlessly in the dark.
I can feel my pulse stuttering like an offbeat staccato every time I think about the possibility that the next time I hear your voice will be never, or that I’ll be able to tell in your voice that you’re unhappy and I am the cause. Even so- even then, I’m not sure I’ll be able to let you go. If I never ask, will you grant my wish and never tell me? Let us both stand on this teetering precipice until I lose my balance and fall, but please, don’t step to safety just yet. Let me pretend in the moment before I close my eyes that I see you fall with me, like we so often said we would do. In the end, I can only be selfish. There is not enough left of my heart to give.