This first post is primarily to introduce the purpose of this blog and my reasons for creating it.
The context
A recent grad (2019), I am currently a software engineer at a small tech company in Manhattan.
A few months ago, I was convinced that it’d be easy to transition to “adult life” in the city. My future looked bright and full (of friends, partying, and great food). Once I got here, however, I realized that I had sorely overhyped my post-college experience.
As a dev, my job hours are usually from about 10:30 AM to 6 PM, but they’re flexible. Most of my friends are consultants, analysts, and traders at firms that require them to be in at 9 AM or even earlier. The result: the friends I could count on to make questionable decisions about late bedtimes and sacrificing sleep in college are now in bed by midnight, no exceptions.
The impetus
Honestly, it might be the birth control I started taking last month, but I’ve been in a slump lately. Classic lack of drive to do anything except for feed myself things that are bad for my body, justified by the mild sadness I’ve been feeling on a daily basis. The worst part is that the unhealthy food just compounds how trash I feel.
Every so often, I experience a spike in what I would describe as reciprocal rejection. It’s the feeling of not being wanted, compounded with the desire to head off that rejection preemptively. It results in a toxic couple of days where I basically stew in my own loneliness and snack on processed foods because I’m too sad to go out.
It got so bad that sometimes I sit on the couch in a state of what can probably be described as catatonia for hours. Not watching anything, no. Just sitting and doing nothing. I decided it was time to re-evaluate.
The problem(s)
The job hours aren’t a big problem, but less overlapping free time means that often, my friends already have plans when I ask them to hang out. This only became more apparent as people settled into New York City and their new jobs.
I have all this free time on my hands and I don’t know what to do with myself. There are only so many days that you can spend binge-watching TV shows. They stop being a treat and turn into a chore (can confirm). Besides, they make me feel so bad because watching them literally serves no purpose (unless you’re watching educational ones).
When my friends aren’t free and I’m craving social interaction, online dating is an option. But I’m not in the habit of leading people on, and cultivating a fake interest in order to fulfill my own selfish desires is unappealing. If only there were ways to meet people organically (this is sarcasm, by the way).
I started making sourdough, as I had been wanting to do for a year or so, but there are only so many people to whom I can feed the results. Plus, giving it all away was (and still is) actually eating up a significant part of my budget. Besides, a loaf of bread or batch of brownies disappears so quickly, with only pictures left behind, and merely posting those on my Instagram story just seems so futile.
tl;dr: I need purpose. My standalone interests are not nutritious or sustainable (see below).
My interests
There are a few interests that I’ve maintained on and off through the years.
Baking. I started off making cookies for my high school bake sales, then graduated to New York cheesecake for birthdays, my signature apple pie, and finally sourdough. Like many people, I used to follow the recipes to the letter. I was a stickler for rules of any caliber. However, as you may know, environment (humidity, temperature) matters a lot in baking. Now, I’m more of an “eh that should work” baker. Sourdough has taught me lots.
Cooking. I split baking off because I think cooking (on the stovetop, generally) is a completely different beast. There is more flexibility in cooking, for starters. Often, I open the spice cabinet when my food is in the pan and make my decisions then. I love to think about what I’m going to cook tomorrow, and it’s a daily personal tragedy for me to realize I can’t cook everything I want to (because I’m one person). This also means my cooking style is something along the lines of “adapt until it’s unrecognizable.” That is, I start off from a recipe and make a ton of changes to it. Occasionally, it’s because I don’t have one of the ingredients. Most of the time, I just want to. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
Eating. I love to try new foods, new cuisines, and new restaurants. This is in conflict with my interest in cooking, unfortunately. I dropped off the radar for the last month or so trying to save money by cooking all meals at home, but I don’t think it’s worth the stagnation I’ve been feeling. I’ll compromise by packing lunch daily, but I think I’ll start exploring the city again for dinner once or twice a week.
Traveling. To be completely honest, this is related to eating. While I love to see new sights, a huge part of traveling is the food. I consider it an integral part of experiencing new cultures and ways of life. However, I do also love beach getaways, horseback tours, scuba diving, and other activity-based vacations.
Writing. This is the kicker- the main reason why I think this blog is a good idea. I used to write fan fiction, but that petered off after I lost my obsession with K-pop. Besides, I primarily used fanfiction as a means to get my writing and ideas across. You might say that I wrote fanfiction because I wasn’t confident that my fiction would garner readers. That also just means I tricked the K-pop mega-fans into reading my work. Now that I’m working, I can justify maintaining a blog that’s my own space, where I can write anything that I want.
The solution
My hypothesis is that interests with no nutritional value can be made nutritious. In less abstract terms, reflection on an activity can make the activity more fulfilling.
Why this should work
I noticed that I felt animated when I talked to people about something I cooked or baked. It was nice to be able to talk about my processes and flavor profile decisions. Sometimes, I lie awake in bed for hours thinking about what to make next. Instead of keeping it all in my head (fail-safe strategy, to say the least), I can document what works, what doesn’t work, and what I’d make again.
Even eating can be made into a mentally nutritious activity. By writing about and reviewing restaurants or culinary experiences, I can provide information for others as well as keep records for myself. This has the added benefit of making me more mindful of what I am eating, which I have a problem with.
Traveling is the best example. I don’t have the best memory, and even trips from last year are hard to remember clearly now. It has always seemed like such a waste to just forget about places I’ve been and sights I’ve seen. I’ve tried on and off to keep travel diaries, but I’ve misplaced them all somewhere or another.
The best part is, now I have a lot to write about. Instead of wracking my brain and trying to dredge up some creativity, I can write about things that I’m already thinking a lot about.
Final thoughts
Theoretically, keeping a blog will solve all my problems. I’m not going to set high expectations in terms of output (both quality and quantity), since this blog is created as a way for me to encourage my own mental health and happiness. I want it to stay a fun activity and not a chore. Therefore, I’m going to think of it as essentially an e-diary, and I’m not going to require myself to post on a fixed schedule.
I understand that means I probably won’t have a large following, and that’s OK. Perhaps some of what I say will be useful or even entertaining to a few people. If not, at least I’ll have something to do.
The name
Cute name, right? It’s smol adventures because I am smol and these are my adventures.
Thanks for reading, folks.